Behind These Eyes
by Yukishiro Madoka
Summary: The priestess and demon lord always crossed paths. She always seeked his advice. He always seeked her company. Did they ever think about seeking something else from each other? Perhaps...love? [SesshKik]


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I don't even own my own Ipod! T.T 

A/N. Another bittersweet sorrowful Kik/Sessh...:(

Sessh is such an ice cube. xD He knows he wants his bellflower. ;)

Anywhos, this is a two-chapter one-shots. o.o Read, enjoy, and review? ;D

* * *

Kikyo glanced briefly at the sleeping form of Rin, her eyes softening slightly at the sound of Rin's soft breathing and the sight of her sleeping peacefully upon Ah-Un's back, before directing her blank stare towards Sesshomaru. 

"Lord Sesshomaru..." She liked the way his name rolled off her tongue, leaving behind a sweet, yet engimatic and mysterious flavor, a flavor she wanted to go deeper into. She wanted to go deeper into his heart and learn more about him. She wanted to understand him.

He was almost like Inuyasha. Even though they were brothers, they were different. Even though they were different, something about them made them seem similiar to each other. She didn't know why, but she wanted to find out.

"Do you have any more sob stories to spill to me?" he asked casually, as if it was something he asked everyday.

"They are not sob stories. I simply ask for your advice. That is all." Exasperation flickered through her eyes. Did he really think of her that lowly? A woman who lived off of self-pity and sadness? A woman who had no dignity and pride?

"Why must you seek my advice?" he countered, annoyed.

She turned away so he wouldn't see her saddened expression. "I have no one else to turn to," she responded truthfully, her soft voice lowering slightly.

Ever since meeting Rin and being introduced to him, she always seeked his advice. The thing that surprised her was that he didn't refuse to give her any. His advice was always blunt, but truce and wisdom rested within everything he spoke.

Was he more than her advisor?

Was he something much more than that?

And...did he think of her as something more than a mere, pathetic human?

More than a pitiful, dead corpse who seeked his wise words?

"Am I supposed to feel pity for you?"

"No. I'm not worth wasting your pity on," Kikyo muttered, slightly angry as she realized that her words were true. She wasn't worth anything.

Sesshomaru seemed slightly impressed and satisfied at her blunt answer, but she ignored that. Her heart throbbed painfully and sadly as she turned her back to him, blinking rapidly for the fear that she'd cry. But no...she couldn't cry, even if she tried. In that body made of nothing but soil and clay, she could feel nothing. Nothing made her feel anymore. Nothing made her happy anymore.

"Naraku is dead. Everyone rejoices so. Everyone has a reason to be happy...but I do not." Kikyo paused to stare longingly at the bleak, dark sky, enlightened with stars and the moon.

"Inuyasha is happy now...happy with her. No one...cares about me. I have no purpose any longer. Lord Sesshomaru..." She turned to face him, her sad eyes slowly rising to meet his cold ones. "What should I do?"

He averted her eyes and stared up at the night sky, his eyes glazing over in that certain way which she took to recongnize that he was pondering carefully, picking through his mind for the right piece of advice. His eyes shifted back to its clear, cold color of golden, and he lowered his head so his blank eyes were staring straight into her hazel ones. Half of her realizing what he intended to say, her heart sank with dread and...fear?

Could she even feel fear?

She had never even been afraid of Naraku, while others cowered at the mention of his name.

But did she really have a fear?

What was it...?

Losing?

Being unloved?

Dying?

As her thoughts flooded through her mind endlessly, her head spun in a desperate struggle to contain all of them. Her eyes tried their best to focus staring back into his golden orbs.

"Return back to the dead."

That sentence alone plunged through her heart sharply, and it hurt more than any other pain she ever experienced. She didn't know why it hurt. It just did.

"Die again...?" she managed to muster the sad words, trying her best to hide the bittersweet sorrow in her voice and the painful hurt in her hazel eyes.

"Yes. Walking among the living with no purpose..." Sesshomaru responded in a monotone, the disregard in his voice and eyes dismaying her even more. "...and being in so much pain is pathetic. It would be easier to let go and die...leaving behind your pain."

His eyes glazed over with a strange feeling she couldn't comprehend. "What benefit would you recieve by living any longer?" he continued slowly, blankly. "You are merely clinging onto the life you never had. It would be best to release your pain and die."

It felt as if Inuyasha himself were speaking those words while plunging Tetsuagia through her heart at the same time, laughing mockingly as he twisted the sword within her heart and squeezing the life out of her. He sounded so awful and cruel...

But he was just being blunt. But why did it hurt so much?

She knew in her heart that it was true, but when Sesshomaru said her heart's feelings...

Why did it hurt so much?

Kikyo clenched her fist tightly, tightening her firm grip on her bow as she struggled to control her emotions. She forced the muscles of her mouth to stretch out into a small smile, but it seemed so wrong and fake, as if the strings holding her mouth had been cut. Her smile seemed so fake that even he could comprehend it as a fake smile.

"Yes...Perhaps you are right..." Kikyo whispered quietly, denying that she was not effected at all by his harsh yet true words. She rose to her feet slowly, feeling a warm wetness, not in her eyes, but behind her eyes. She blinked swiftly, and the wetness disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"I thank you, Lord Sesshomaru. Farewell..." she murmured her final goodbye, the blankness in her emotionless voice decieving her and the disregard in her eyes betraying her.

He didn't respond, but merely watched her retreating back with a strange feeling within his blank eyes and his cold heart, a strange feeling he couldn't comprehend.

* * *

What Sesshomaru said wasn't cruel… 

It was just true.

But why did it hurt?

Why couldn't she accept it?

It wasn't as if she expected any pity or sympathy from him.

So why?

She clutched her heart tightly, slightly ceasing some of the emotional pain with physical pain. She knew half of the reason, but the other half was a mystery. She couldn't figure it out, yet she knew she was supposed to know.

Lonely.

She was lonely.

She had always been.

And she always would be.

She used to enjoy the company of her younger sister, Kaede, and the village children fifty years ago. And mostly...Inuyasha's.

Her sister had grown into an old woman during her death, most of the village children were dead or as old as Kaede herself, and Inuyasha...Inuyasha had not aged, but the fifty years that he had slept through changed him a lot. He was more gentle and soft...

All because of that girl.

That girl had healed his heart, which had broken when he believed that his love had betrayed him. She melted his heart, still.

Of course, Kikyo had done that. Their love...what they, Kikyo and Inuyasha, had was beautiful, but it was gone now.

Now that girl picked up after where Kikyo left off, bestowing her love upon him, recieving his love as well.

As much as Kikyo loved Inuyasha, she couldn't bring herself to attempt to win his heart. First of all, she was dead, and the dead can not possibly be with the living. And he loved that girl, and she loved him as well. Kikyo did not want to ruin their chances of happiness, despite the fact that everyone believed that since she was dead, she did not have a pure heart, or a heart at all, for that matter.

Her life - if she could call it a life - meant nothing to anyone.

No one cared.

Kaede had turned her back on her own older sister. Her own flesh and blood. One would think she would be ashamed to even think about abandoning her own sister, the one who cared and loved her ever since she had been born. Of course, Kaede had no doubts about disregarding Kikyo. Instead, she continually supported her reincarnation.

Inuyasha's friends. Of course, Kikyo did not expect any sympathy or pity from them, since even her own sister didn't care for her any longer.

Her reincarnation. In a way, she respected her existence, yet deep within her eyes and heart, Kikyo could tell that tolerating her existence was unbearable. Inuyasha had won her heart, and she, in turn, wanted to win his heart as well. And she, Kikyo, was the one thing that kept them apart, or so it seemed to everyone.

Inuyasha. Was fifty years really that long as to erase the love between them? Inuyasha came after her a couple of times, and Kikyo tried to trick her herself, to believe that he still loved her. In the end, the hope she had felt gradually died as she began to realize...and accept.

What Inuyasha felt for her was only pity. And those times he claimed that her life was his, and only his...

He was just jealous.

It's strange, how human minds work.

Even though your feelings were someone had died, or gradually grown weak...

When a person had his eyes on the one you had once come to love...

You feel jealous.

Yet even if Inuyasha didn't love her anymore, he could have at least shown her sympathy and how sorry he was for the way things turned out. But no...he didn't care.

Kikyo was used to the lonely atmosphere that surrounded her even at birth.

It was like an endless river; she, the pure water, always trying to burst through the dams that blocked her way. Once she destroyed one, another barred her way again. She was trapped within a unending cycle of tragedy and pain, and she could not find a crack to spill through. She was cursed. She was doomed.

She could only dream, just as everyone else did. Everyone had dreams of their own, and the courses of their paths depended on what their wild fantasies were. Inuyasha wanted to destroy Naraku and use the Shikon Jewel to become a full-fledged demon. The female demon exterminator wanted to slay Naraku and free her young brother from his grasp, as well as avenging her slaughtered village. The monk yearned to defeat Naraku to end his curse - the black hole in his hand, the Wind Tunnel. The fox demon wanted to kill Naraku to end the suffering and misery that had befallen on his victims. That girl wanted to aid Inuyasha in his quest for revenge and power, yet Kikyo could tell that her heart desired to win the half-demon.

The priestess narrowed her eyes slightly, not from careful pondering, but from sadness. Dreams...

What were dreams?

Dreams...

Dreams were wild fantasies that you dared to imagine, and when you closed your eyes, the beautiful fantasies in your imagination became reality. Then when you opened your eyes once more, reality - the dreams you dared to imagine - slipped away and vanished without a trace, leaving traces of their illusion . Dreams could be treasured so, held close for comfort, the only things you clung onto for life, yet they were so far away, so far away that even though you wouldn't admit it, deep down in your heart, you know that your dreams would never become reality.

She was not a fool like Inuyasha and his friends, or anybody else who dared to dream, for she had an ambition. An ambition she didn't ever intend to leave as a dream.

Revenge.

Revenge, not only for herself, but the other victims that had suffered under that half-breed's hands.

Naraku.

Her eyes hardened in hatred at the thought of him, and her grip on her bow tightened so harshly that her outlines of her knuckles were vivid and clear, and her hand turned paler with the strong force she used to grasp her bow.

She ended the misery he inflicted on his people, as well as ending his life as well. Everyone achieved their dreams, in the end.

But why?

Why couldn't she dream?

That ambition...

It wasn't a dream.

It was just a strong desire to gain revenge.

Why couldn't she dream and reach out to it, hold it close for comfort and hope endlessly for it to come true?

What could she dream about?

Love?

She couldn't dream about love. She wasn't worth loving.

Life?

She couldn't dream about life. Having her own life would steal another's. Her life would still be full of pain and misery, anyway.

Happiness?

She couldn't dream about happiness. The only thing that stood between her and happiness was reality.

Reality was cruel.

She blinked furiously, as if afraid that her sadness would get the better of her and force her to shed the tears she could never shed.

Naraku was cruel.

Demons were cruel.

The people she loved were cruel.

Her reincarnation was cruel.

Inuyasha was cruel.

...Sesshomaru...was cruel.

Kikyo's hand quickly shot up to her chest to clutch it tightly again, her eyes glittering with sadness and another thing she couldn't name.

No one cared about her. They weren't cruel. No, they weren't. Reality was cruel.

No one cared about her. So why?

Why…?

Kikyo stopped abruptly, slowly sinking to her knees and hanging her head low, allowing the silver moonlight to bathe her in its beautiful, bright glow. But the moonlight only seemed to deepen the loneliness and sadness in her atmosphere.

Why was it that when he said these words...

...it pained her heart so much?

Why?

Didn't everyone wish for her death? So she could rest in peace? So she wouldn't be any trouble anymore? So she wouldn't be a heavy burden?

But when he told her to die...

Why did it make her feel so sad and horrible?

Why was _he_ so different!

Tears glistened in her eyes, but she wasn't sure if they were building in her eyes or behind them like they did before. She didn't care if she cried. It'd prove everyone wrong. She could show emotions!

But she had been so used to hiding her feelings and emotions behind an emotionless mask and heart...

Kikyo cried inwardly, shedding tears within herself as her head bowed lower, making her raven locks spill down her front and brush by her cheeks, framing her delicately-shaped face.

Even though it hurt...

Maybe Sesshomaru was right.

Living in pain...was too much for her to handle.

But why couldn't she let go of that pain?

Would it follow her, even in the afterlife?

A choked, strangled noise erupted from her throat, so quietly that she wasn't even sure if it happened. Her lungs were having difficulty taking in air. Her heart was throbbing painfully, so painfully and harshly that she was sure it would burst right out of her chest. Her skin was cold and dead. Her soul was lost and trapped in eternal darkness.

It had to stop.

Now.

She released her bow, tossing it gently to the side, and she slid her quiver down her shoulder, laying it silently on the ground. She stared blankly yet intently at the bows in her quiver, her vision blurring rapidly, yet she wasn't sure if her tears were betraying her vision.

Finally after what seemed to be an eternity, she swiftly grabbed one of the arrows, her milky fingers enclosing rather tightly on the thin weapon. Her other hand joined as well, her palm curving around the arrow as her fingers enclosed around it as well. Clearing her expression of emotions, she slowly directed the sharp point of the arrow into the middle of her chest. She inhaled deeply, breathing in one of her last gulps of fresh air.

Kikyo knelt limply on the ground as she brought the arrow towards herself. This would be it, her escape from her life. No more pain. No more hate. No more being alone.

It had to be done; there was no other way. She'd spent her entire life trying to earn her place in the world as someone significant and important. It couldn't be done. She'd spent her entire life trying to search the world for people who'd love her. It would never happen. Most of all, she'd always try to escape from her pain. But the pain never ceased.

Her eyes shot open, for only a moment. Her pain would never cease! It was a deep scar into her heart, a permanent scar, a scar that would follow her for an eternity!

She couldn't run away!

But that was the only thing she could do: run away. And now she would make her escape.

But from what?

What was there to escape from?

The ones who hurt her?

Inuyasha?

Pain?

Perhaps it was those...but mostly...she was trying to escape from...

Reality...

She closed her eyes, cleared her mind, heart, and soul of any emotions, and after taking one last deep breath - her last breath of life, she plunged the arrow deeply into her chest. Her expression was completely blank and she did not cry out in pain...She just knelt there, a crumpled soul in a clay body, full of misery and pain. The arrow hurt...and it didn't hurt...

The arrow hurt, as it should...

But it didn't hurt...as if it were merely piercing through thick layers of dread, loneliness, and pain.

Whether the pain hurt or not, she was done.

Done with making her escape.

Kikyo managed to open her eyes, witnessing the sad yet somewhat beautiful defeat of her own life. No blood poured out from her wound in this death - only her life energy.

The moonlit night seemed so beautiful that very moment, with the elegant glow of the souls that were escaping from the bloodless wound in her chest. The souls whispered softly as they drifted from her body and out into the night sky, perhaps escaping like herself, escaping from the prison in her body, escaping to a beautiful, happy paradise. They seemed so free, like white doves against a night sky, flying away from their pain and into happiness.

Kikyo stared wistfully at the beautiful scene, wishing she too could fly away from her agony and into eternal joy. With no hesitation or reluctance, she thrust the arrow out of her chest, feeling a pain that did and didn't hurt, watching more souls pour out of the hole and glide into the night, starry sky. The night was decorated with small orbs that glowed in a strange, yet beautiful way, and Kikyo stared in awe at the beauty of the scenery. How beautiful and free those girls' souls were!

She heard faint, whispery croaks nearby, and she turned to find her soul collectors gliding through the air, their shiny scales sparkling elegantly, their ruby eyes gleaming brightly.

"My soul collectors..." she murmured quietly to them, her eyes softening. "You are free now. You are free from me, and you shall go wherever Fate guides you."

The soul collectors whispered strange words to their mistress, perhaps words of gratitude, and whisked quietly away, disappearing into the night sky.

She smiled faintly, her smile filled with sadness for herself, longing for what she could never have, and happiness for the free souls and her free soul collectors. "You poor girls are free now as well..." she whispered softly to the moonlit sky. "Free...and happy..."

Before her vision was consumed with haziness, her hazel eyes took in one last stare at the scenery. So free and beautiful...

Yet...it was free and beautiful, in a sad kind of way. Beauty and freedom struck her as a painful, melancholy kind at that moment.

Her eyes slowly fluttered shut, and the arrow dropped from her limp hand as she collasped silently to the ground. Invisible tears slid down her cheeks, leaving behind dry and fresh trails on her lifeless skin.

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, Inuyasha.

Goodbye, Kaede.

Goodbye, Rin.

Goodbye, everyone.

Goodbye, loneliness.

Goodbye, sadness.

Goodbye, pain.

Goodbye, hopes.

Goodbye, dreams.

Goodbye, reality.

Goodbye...Sesshomaru...

Goodbye...

* * *

A/N. Ahhh, Sessh, must you be such an ice cube? T.T How can you be such an ice cube but have so many fangirls? xDD JK, JK! xDD I like him too, so...no offense, Sessh fangirls. :D 

Anywhos, hope you liked it! ;) Review, review, review! Must I repeat myself? xD


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